“Markwayne Mullin, Kristy Noem’s replacement as Department of Homeland Security (DHS) secretary, has started issuing measures to reform the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement, also known as ICE. They are truly impressive!
- Agents shall now be referred to as ‘preventatives of disorder.’
- Agents are required to wear new masks with cheery smiles on them, turning detainment into a kinder and gentler experience.
- Agents must use polite language whenever addressing citizens under suspicion. Example: ‘If you please madam, please lie face down in that puddle.’
- If the situation requires, they must deploy our new ammunition a ‘foam rubber bullet,’ which, instead of conferring a lethal strike, merely imparts a nasty sting, as in ‘Ouch! Gosh, that really smarts. I better behave.’
In addition, as part of our new outreach program, ICE agents will appear at local schools and read from the newly published children’s book, The ICE Agent is My Fiend Friend.”
